Ratchet & Clank: A Cock and Bull Story
by Tesseracts and Penrose Stairs
Summary: When news of a scheme involving the biobliteration and kidnapping of prisoners in the Elbrus galaxy reaches Ratchet and Clank, the duo rushes off immediately in hopes that getting involved will lead them to finding and arresting Dr. Nefarious. What secrets will the Elbrus galaxy hold?


**Chapter 1: Who Needs Beauty Sleep?**

It was pitch black outside and yet the galactic duo still found themselves wide awake before the bright screen of the holovision, tapping away at the controllers to the hologames that held them in a trance. The sound of gunshots firing from the speakers filled the room, serving as the only break in the silence as Ratchet and Clank stared intensely at the screen, both wearing a look that would not seem out of place at a funeral.

The stakes were high for both of them. There was less than a minute left in their game and yet they had both gotten only a single kill in their virtual duel to the death. No matter how hard either one tried, it seemed impossible to kill the other within the given timespan. For every missile launcher Ratchet spammed, Clank would retaliate with a cleverly placed energy shield and a barrage of grenades. Whenever Clank tried to pull a vanishing act and sneak up on his opponent, Ratchet would immediately regain the upper hand by looking over at his friend's screen and shooting frantically at wherever it looked like his friend was. Regardless, neither one was willing to relent from their stalemate, firing on as the clock loomed overhead.

Finally, Clank managed to put an end to their deadlock. With only seven seconds to spare, he caught the Lombax off guard with one final bombardment of fusion grenades followed by a quick headshot from his character's plasma rifle. Ratchet let out a loud, drawn out moan of disappointment as he tossed his controller aside and looked over at Clank.

"Augh! Again? That's the third time in a row you've won tonight!" Ratchet groaned as he threw his arms in the air and fell back on the black suede couch that seated the two of them.

"Well if you would prefer, I could always let you win," Clank replied with a hint of sarcasm in his voice as he set down his controller.

"Are you kidding pal? Where's the fun in that? Now come on, I'll play ya best four out of seven."

"Are you certain that is a wise idea, Ratchet? It is beginning to become quite late and I believe it would be prudent of you to go to sleep within the next ten minutes."

"Eh, don't worry, I'll be fine. I mean, it's not like I'm tired or anything," Ratchet answered right before letting out a loud, drawn out yawn and giving his friend a droopy-eyed smile.

Clank gave Ratchet a disapproving glance, lowering both of his optic lids in such a way that he was able to lecture the Lombax without saying a single word.

"Ratchet..." he nagged

"I'm fine bud, really! It's not even that late... I think," he answered back sheepishly as he looked over to a neon blue digital clock that hung from the white walls of their Meridian City apartment. Upon noticing the time, the Lombax broke his sleepy gaze as he widened his eyes and lowered his ears in embarrassment. He knew his metallic friend was right on this one. However, Ratchet was not quite ready to give in to his friend's logic.

"Oh. Okay, so maybe it's 2:57 in the morning, but we've gone later before! Come on pal, at least one more game?" Ratchet asked as he gave his friend the widest puppy dog eyes he could muster with how tired he was and wore a wide-mouthed grin in an attempt to sway his friend.

"Ratchet, that is not going to work on me," the little robot replied as he crossed his arms, closed his optics shut, and turned his head away. However despite not looking at the Lombax, he could feel as the big-eyed stare of his friend tried to melt a hole in his little metal heart. Sensing the gaze of his friend, he could not help but to make the mistake of opening his eyes and looking back to see those two giant, green eyes attempting to use their cuteness in order to influence Clank's decision. With the tilting of his optic lids, the robot's previously annoyed expression faded into a guilty stare.

"Please do not make that face, as it is not going to sway my decision in any way," he said in response to the Lombax's stare. Despite his words, he could feel as his friend's unrelenting look slowly caused him to cave in. As Ratchet shuffled a little closer to Clank, the robot finally felt he could not handle another second of those two puppy dog eyes or that dorky grin that his close companion wore.

"Oh, very well," he answered, clearly sounding disappointed in himself for giving in to the Lombax's wishes. "I will play one more round if it will convince you to stop giving me that look. However, after this, you must promise me you will go to bed."

"I promise," Ratchet replied as he put his right hand over his heart and held his other hand in the air as if he were taking an oath. "Now, how 'bout we ignore those other three matches and make this one winner keeps all?"

"I do not know why it matters, seeing as how we are not gambling, however if it will make you happy then very well. Whoever wins this final match wins for the night," Clank answered as he grabbed his controller again and began clicking through the menus, preparing one final battle for the duo to duel each other in.

However, the usual mundane, late night antics of the duo were interrupted by the sudden beeping of Clank's transmitter. The two of them looked down to the robot's storage compartment as he pulled out a floating screen, both wearing an open jaw and a raised eyebrow in sheer bafflement. The tiny machine shook his head and went back to his usual, dignified expression that he so often wore on his face.

"Incoming transmission from Talwyn," he stated in a formal tone, trying his hardest to mask his confusion at the fact that anyone was calling them at this hour.

The screen lit up, giving a more radiant illumination than that of the already bright holovision. Ratchet shielded his eyes, nearly blinded by the static monitor. However, the piercing light died down as the screen focused on the silhouette of a young Markazian nervously fidgeting with her hands as she muttered annoyed phrases at her transmitter for taking so long to establish a clear signal.

"Tal?" the Lombax asked as he let out a loud yawn and stretched his arms out. "You okay there?"

"Yea, I'm doing alright. Listen, sorry for waking you guys up but I have something really important I need to ask you guys and I don't think it can wait any longer," Talwyn replied as she gave an apologetic look and moved a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

"Eh," Ratchet replied as he flicked his arm in dismissal. "It's not a big deal. So, what's the problem?"

"Well, you see... the Elbrus galactic president just called a couple of minutes ago asking if I could get you guys' help on a matter of galactic security," she started, showing hesitation in her words. "Normally I'd try to avoid sending you two on missions, but the galactic president swears that Dr. Nefarious is behind a series of kidnappings and biobliterations across the prisons of the Elbrus galaxy and keeps begging me to get you guys for the job. I really hate to think about putting you two in any more danger than you've already been in but... can you go to Elbrus and put an end to whatever's causing their crisis?"

The tired Lombax shed his drowsy gaze for a temporary look of excitement and turned back to his metal friend as they both pondered what Talwyn had said. The whereabouts of Dr. Nefarious was something that had the duo losing sleep since that incident on planet Magnus. To know there was a possible lead as to where they could find him had them both enthralled to know more. Ratchet gave a small grin to Clank as he narrowed his eyebrows. The robot smiled back at his friend and gave a quick nod of approval in return, clearly knowing exactly what the Lombax was thinking.

"We'll do it," Ratchet answered as he gave a serious look back to Talwyn. "Just send the coordinates over and we'll be there as soon as we can."

Talwyn felt a wave of mixed emotions come at her upon hearing Ratchet's reply. On the one hand, she appreciated the fearlessness and heroism that the duo showed, traits seen so rarely amongst the masses of people she commanded as captain of the Polaris galactic defense force. However, there was also the fear of losing the only family she had left. If something happened to Ratchet and Clank, she would be officially alone in the universe.

"Alright. I'm sending over the coordinates for the capital planet of Elbrus right now. But please, promise me Ratchet that you won't do anything reckless," the Markazian said, giving a desperate look to the Lombax through her screen.

"I'll do my best, Tal," he answered in a fairly serious tone.

"And Clank, I know it can be hard to keep Ratchet out of trouble, but please, do your best? I really don't wanna see you guys get hurt."

"I will try my hardest to make certain that Ratchet does not do anything haphazardly," Clank replied with a nod.

"Alright. I'm gonna go now so I can tell the galactic president you two on are on your way and to expect you guys later on today. Good luck... please, don't forget about our promises!" she reminded the duo as she tried to keep her voice from cracking from the sheer amount of fear she felt for the two of them. She knew that being universally renowned heroes, there was no way to keep them away from the face of danger. However, this knowledge was not enough to keep a hole from burning in her heart at the thought that the same thing that happened to Cronk and Zephyr could happen to Ratchet and Clank.

"Don't worry, we'll come home safe. I promise," Ratchet replied as the transmitter went black and floated back to his friend's compartment.

"So bud, you ready for another adventure?" the Lombax asked as he got off the couch and looked down at his tiny, mechanical friend.

"As ready as I will ever be," the robot replied as he followed in his friend's footsteps and slid off the couch, landing on the carpet with a slight 'thunk' as his metal feet met the floor.

With that, the two of them began excavating through their apartment for equipment, searching through every closet, every shelf, and digging their way through the mess known as Ratchet's room. One by one, pieces of armor and gadgets galore would unearth themselves, each leading the duo closer to being ready to leave for their adventure. After about ten minutes of frantic rushing through every room, the duo had found the Lombax's trusty wrench, his Omniblaster, his swingshot, and a full set of Nebulox Armor he had left over from when him and Clank had stopped Mr. Eye from taking over the universe.

After Clank officially received the coordinates and Ratchet got finished suiting up, the duo was ready to leave. The two of them met up in the garage where Aphelion was kept and ran inside the ship, with Ratchet at the wheel and Clank sitting right next to him as his passenger.

"Ratchet, I understand that this is an urgent situation, however are you sure that you should be piloting while you are this tired?" the robot asked as he gave a concerned look to his friend.

"Don't worry bud, I'll just put Aphelion on autopilot after we enter the coordinates and take a quick nap before we land on wherever this capital planet is supposed to be," he answered. Upon hearing this, his robotic friend began to punch in a set of numbers into the ship's systems.

After a moment of silence, the robot stated in a declarative tone, "The coordinates for planet Talos have been entered into Aphelion's databanks."

"Good, then let's get this show on the road! Aphelion, go on autopilot and take us to planet Talos," Ratchet said as he leaned back into his chair and prepared to doze off.

"Are you sure you want to go there? Planet Talos is about 9 million light miles away from our current location," the ship asked in the synthesized voice the Lombax had grown so used to hearing.

"9 million light years? Are there any short cuts?" he asked the ship as he battled with his eyelids to retain consciousness now that he had finally gotten comfortable.

"Well, there is a wormhole about two hours away from here that might be able to transport us within a few million miles of Talos. However I cannot guarantee I can get you through safely while on autopilot," Aphelion chimed, her voice as mellow as ever.

"Just wake me up when we get near and I'll take care of it," the Lombax replied as he began to doze off. As the garage door opened and the ship began to soar through the skies, Ratchet's perception of his surroundings faded. No longer was he inside a ship alongside his best friend. Rather, he was floating, flying high about the sky without any gravity to keep him down. Slowly, any hint of reality began to shift into a dream, and before even leaving planet Igliak's atmosphere, the Lombax was already asleep.

Clank, who had been watching in quiet amusement, decided to break the ten minute silence that had consumed the ship as they began their adventure.

"Aphelion, is it possible that you would allow me to pilot you through the wormhole so that Ratchet can rest?" the robot asked in a soft voice, paying mind to the sleeping Lombax.

"Well, I usually would not disobey one of Ratchet's direct orders. However, seeing as how he always says you know what's best for him, I suppose I could let you override his commands just this once. I'll inform you when we get near the wormhole," the ship quietly responded.

With Aphelion's response began the waiting game. It would be another two hours before the duo would reach their shortcut. Seeing as how there was nothing else to do with his friend dead asleep, the little robot pulled out a book from his storage compartment and read away, allowing the pages to take him to another universe as Aphelion traveled on through his own.


End file.
